Saturday, August 6, 2011

When Caring Backfires

I just finished reading an article in "O" magazine titled I don't Care. It gave me insight into a lot of the issues I have about other people's issues. I have people in my life that I dearly love and I want them to have the best. I care about them, I want to see them successful, I want them to do the right thing (right thing as I perceive). Yet in lieu of all the mental effort and concern that I have put into this matter, nothing has changed.

The article in "O" talked about when our desire to help the ones we care about is so strong we push them deeper into what we wanted them to get out of. As I wrote the paragraph above I was getting the "Aha" revelation. Could it be, the main word in my declaration is "I". This placed a completely different view on my caring.

Example 1: I have people in my life that I dearly love and want them to have the best. A person will never achieve their best because someone else desires it for them, they must want it for themselves. An even harder thing to except is because I love and hold them in my heart don't mean they place me on the same level of importance.

Example 2: I care about them. My caring doesn't change or make them do anything differently. A loved one recently told me, "Just love me for who I am. I am going to live my life the way I want and you should do the same." This was a great gift, it freed me from thinking I was responsible for them. Caring has to be wise enough to allow loved ones to choose their own way. Wise enough to respect the timing and choices they make. And most of all wise enough to know when to step back.

Example 3: I want them to be successful. As a life coach I know success begin from the inside out. My desire for them to suceed is just that, "my desire." The harder I push the greater the resistance. We must each find the wisdom in us that tells us we are not and never will be in control of what another person does.

I will never be at the place where I can say I don't care, that is not in my makeup. I can say with a high degree of certainty that I will not allow what I want for my loved ones to override the path they must find for peace. The article gave me the courage to say, "I love you, but I can't love you so much that I allow your issues to become an issue for me. I removed the "I's" from the relationship with you; which allows us what we need for our health, happiness and growth.

Wishing you much joy,

Just Alice